Check Mate – by Bob Love

As the new mayor of our GREAT CITY, I am here to announce a BOLD NEW INITIATIVE. One that will MAKE THIS CITY GREAT AGAIN – yes, GREAT AGAIN!

NO MORE, NO MORE will my par– I mean, our elderly and disabled citizens have to make do with cobblestones and tram tracks.

MY monu-MENTAL DECISION is to cement over all the impediments that make my par– er, our infirm citizens too afraid to come to MY GREAT, GREAT CITY.

To make my GREAT and BOLD NEW monu-MENTAL PLAN work, I will have to shut this GREAT and WONDERFUL CITY down for two years. (I will not take questions – I said, I will not take questions).

BOLD NEW INITIATIVES and GREAT PLANS take a GREAT MIND – and I have a GREAT MIND.

To fund MY WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL PLAN I am going to raise the taxes of the middle class, and lower the taxes for corporations and for those of us who – er, I mean, those of you – who are worth $10,000,000 or more.

(No I will not take questions from dissenters, these are faux questions and you are faux reporters working for faux news.)

TRICKLE-DOWN ECONOMICS WILL MAKE THIS CITY GREAT AGAIN! And I don’t mind where they trickle down from. MAKE THIS CITY GREAT AGAIN, NUMBER ONE IN THE WORLD, and ONLY I CAN DO THAT.

If foreign– er, I mean dissenters – come and try to disrupt MY GREAT CITY with their lying disgusting criminal behavior, I WILL BUILD A WALL AROUND MY CITY and I WILL MAKE MY CITY GREAT AGAIN, and WHO WILL PAY FOR THE WALL? THE DISSENTERS WILL.

I will change laws and increase the powers of the paramili – er, the police – to enforce MY power to MAKE THIS CITY GREAT AGAIN, and you will wear your cap with PRIDE.

Only great minds – and I have a mindboggling mind – can make my BOLD NEW INITIATIVE WORK and MAKE MY CITY GREAT AGAIN… (Security! HELPppppp!)

Open mic:  Mayor, I don’t think –

YOU’RE FIRED!

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